I Admit Know Nothing and That Is The Perfect Place To Start

I have learned a lot this past semester. I have learned humility in of that there is so much I have left to learn. I can't believe the certainty with which I held some beliefs, I see now my theories must be tested by reality. There is no shame in honesty. I am ready to turn over a new leaf.

I am learning to question my perceptions and assumptions and am on the path towards a new clarity of thought. I am ready to explore my gifts and to push myself beyond my comfort zone to engage in the process of growth. Life is constant motion and possibilities are new everyday, all that is required is an open mind and a willingness to make an effort in the face of uncertainty. Each day is a gift and and opportunity for change. I am in the process of making a positive attitudinal paradigm shift, setting myself on a new path of acceptance and growth. I will tread this new adventure with gratitude and forgiveness and humility, I am learning to let go of that which does not serve me.

Words are just words but they do have power and I am working on changing my thinking patterns. I am searching for new ways to be and give and live creatively.  I am in the process of expanding my emotional understanding. I am on a path of self discovery. I accept responsibility for my life and am ready to step beyond my self limitations and try new things. I strive to transform words into action.

My emptiness is openness. My journey is my own but I am not alone.  I must ask for help and learn to stand on my own. My perception of reality has been an elaborate defense mechanism that I have constructed and it has limited my growth but I am now ready to begin to let it go.  I will live at my own pace and I will not hurt myself anymore. I will accept where I am, the path I am on and I will move forward. My goal is to see beyond my ego. I will learn. I am able to grow. I will give. I admit and accept that I do not know. I am open.

Climbing Out Of My Hole

Work is a word that means something different to each person. That is because we all have our own work to do. The trick is figuring out what that work is, this takes a willingness to look at oneself, accept what one sees and to do the work! I personally want to work and want to learn from experiences and if my work right now is just getting up in the morning and walking through my life to the best of my current ability I have to accept that. My work right now is just learning how to relate to myself and relate to others in healthier more effective ways.

The difficult part is reconciling my present reality with personal aspirations and interests. What I mean by that is I think I have something of value to offer others, I just have to figure out what it is and learn how to do it. I want to contribute something, I don't want to be a leech. I think I am capable of contributing something. I want to learn and share. There is so much work that needs to be done in the world I am sure there is something I could do or help with, even something that I could support myself monetarily with.

Lately I have been realizing that I have to take a more realistic view of my life and the work that is in front of me. Hearing about how competitive the job market is and how everyone is out to get their's scares me because it makes it seem like there is no way I can catch up. That is definitely the wrong way to think about the situation I am in and that I am sure many others are in as well. I am not above taking any job that would hire me now, I accept the reality that we have to work for money but that doesn't change my desire for meaningful work. What I need is a plan, something realistic that I can work towards.

I have to make a choice and follow through. I don't plan on giving up or dropping out or withdrawing from reality anymore. There is so much to learn, so much work to do and I intend to do my part. Anything in life that is worthwhile takes work and only I can do the work I need to do for myself...duh. I need to start where I am NOW. I am worth the effort.

Owning My Identy

I for one am exhausted by the world we live in. Pulled on from all sides by media, music, image, ideas... I have always been good at ignoring or maybe more accurately put dissociating from this constant bombardment of loaded messages but I still feel swamped over by the insanity of the modern world. Paralyzed in a state of uncomfortable passivity that is no one's responsibility but my own to move from.

I don't know where to turn to find what is real. I don't want to withdraw from the world but I don't know what to do. I don't want to play the status game that is the cultural narrative handed down by advertising.

The options presented by media are unsatisfying but refusal alone has gotten me nowhere. I am tired of mourning the lack of community and instead want to motivate myself to take an active part in building community.

I need to take the initiative to understand myself and take informed action in my life. Advertising cultivates a passive attitude towards life and I think that I have despised it so much that I have bought into indecisive inaction. It takes inner strength to navigate this confusing world we live in. I resolve to strengthen myself, so I can better share who I am with the world and not be swamped by the culture of advertising.

Alternatives To The Norm

Conventionality is a huge driving force in American Culture at large.  The way the majority of Americans continue to live is locked into the cycle of working for someone else and consumerism. 

Taste of The Ancient

vast networks of pulsing information
nuanced beyond any dream of man

 fresh faced ferns breath in the crisp morning fog
a new taste of the ancient 

 gnarled old trees are like wellsprings
of wisdom for baby mosses

an endless cycle of growth and decay
life proliferates 

Feedback On The Giver: 5 Key Ideas

1. Security: The central concern that the Community has in The Giver is of security. Security is what is provided by the Community, a safe life, enough food, a place in the Community without the need to worry about much of anything. This trade of independence and privacy for security and convenience is often used to justify control and repression. By not permitting any form of life alternative to the system, what is ultimately secured by this fool's bargain is the health of the system.

2. Scarcity: Any system of control is inherently paranoid, and rightfully so for it secure's it's own fate. In rereading The Giver for this class what sticks out to me is that this community seems to have possibly come out of a massive population die off, species extiction and ecological collapse. Hence the emphasis on having enough to eat and providing a secure life and population growth being tightly monitored. There must have been some reason why people thought it was originally a good idea. Why does there seem to be such a scarcity of resources?

3. Control: All aspects of life are under control to serve the functioning of the system. Each individual plays a specific role in the community and has a specific place to be at all times. Individuals are produced to serve the needs of the system and be compliant and productive. Extensive research is done to determine a person's best fit in the community even when it comes to selecting a mate. Almost nothing is left up to the individual.

4. Repression: The only good is the system's good. There is no alternative allowed. People are confined to the rules and regulations of the community. Individual desires and drives are repressed. One cannot do as one pleases with their own time. One's time is not their own. There is no way for one to go against or even go another way from the community.

5. Fear: There is the constant fear of release from the community for breaking the rules. The individual place in society is not so secure after all.

i am sad for a while